Two minutes crawled by, as the trio stood in the hot Californian sun, the desert wind blowing specks of dust and sand in their faces, all with their weapons at the ready. No undead moans heard, but still, the three took caution. The dead could very well just be dead quiet.
Dmitri motioned to Pascal to follow him inside. The third one remained outside as a lookout.
The two slowly approaching the rightmost door, taking care to silence his footsteps. With the butt of his pistol, Dmitri nudged the door open, inch by careful inch, trying to avoid as much noise as possible.
A deafening creak, the burglar alarm created by rusted metal hinges of the generations-old door. And the moaning from within the saloon followed.
Dmitri kicked the double doors open. One zombie, two zombies, three zombies popped up from behind the bar table and just as quickly as they popped up, Dmitri shot them square in the head with his pistol.
The gunshots awakened more zombies in the second floor and the living corpses stumbled down the saloon stairs like a cascade of rotting flesh. Pascal fired round after round from his rifle into the zombies coming down the second floor. Four, five, six, seven dead as Pascal and Dmitri took turns firing and reloading, firing and reloading until the last zombie was dead and the saloon was engulfed in silence once more.
"Piece of cake," Pascal said. He hitched his hunting rifle onto his back and dashed towards the bar, shivering with excitement as he searched for any remaining alcohol. Dmitri observed the interior of the saloon, seeing if anything of importance was here. Overturned wooden tables and chairs, the bar, empty alcohol bottles and shot glasses, the stench of old, spilled beer absorbed into rotting wood, more of the same.
"Yes! Whooo!" Pascal rejoiced. Dmitri turned around and saw Pascal gloriously lifting a full bottle of whiskey in the air. Immediately, Pascal started taking gulps of whiskey, happy as could be during the zombie apocalypse. Dmitri's eyes widened.
From a holster in his belt, Dmitri launched a throwing knife at Pascal's direction. Pascal choked on the drink in surprise and spat out a sizable amount of whiskey into the ground. He had no time to react.
The knife missed him, instead burrowing its blade deep into a zombie's skull that stood behind Pascal. The zombie fell to the ground, dead.
"Jesus!" Pascal cried, obviously shaken. He looked at the corpse behind him. "At least warn me that there's a zombie! And look what you did, you made me spit out half my drink!" Pascal guzzled down more and more whiskey until the bottle was bone dry.
"Never mind the alcohol," Dmitri commanded, walking over to Pascal and pulling the throwing knife from the zombie's head. He pulled out a crusted, red rag from his back pocket and wiped off the black blood from the knife. "Help me look for bullets, food, anything."
"Fine. But y'owe me a drink when we find the survivor's camp." Pascal threw the empty bottle at a saloon wall, shattering it into a million pieces.
The two searched the saloon.
"Can't Let Them All Die" (To the tune of "All Gummed Up Inside" from Adventure Time)
DMITRI:
Another empty saloon, nothing left to salvage
How the hell am I supposed to manage
Every city we greet
A thousand zombies to meet
Mile after mile of street
There’s nothing here because the world’s just gone to ruins
Because the world’ just wrung out dry
Sometimes I’d rather just leave and say “screw it”
But if I do, I know these guys would die
Oh, I know that I can’t let them all die.
No, I can’t let them all die.
No, I can’t let them all diii-iyiiii-iiiiiie.
"Find anything?" Pascal called out from the second floor.
"No," Dmitri responded, "Keep searching."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever."
"Gone Mad" (To the tune of "All Gummed Up Inside" from Adventure Time)
PASCAL:
Dmitri thinks that he’s strong, that he’s dominating.
But you know what I think? He’s just compensating.
Always concerned with our fate,
That man, Dmitri the Great,
Has never gone on a date,
He needs to mate because the world isn’t too serious
Because the world isn’t that bad
You need to stop being so imperious
And just appreciate the fun we’d had
But too late, can't you see the world's gone mad
Can’t even joke, the world’s gone mad
It’s not a fad, the world’s gone maaa-iaaaa-iaaaad.
Dmitri searched the bar for potatoes, preserved vegetables, anything that could be eaten. But there was nothing. Nothing but layers of dust on the empty shelves behind the bar table, nothing but broken glass on the wooden floor. Broken glass... and a hinge?
"Hey, Pascal..." Dmitri started. Carelessly, Pascal's footprints thudded down the stairs as Dmitri beckoned him toward the bar. Pascal's eyes lit up.
"Is it more alcohol?" Pascal vaulted over the bar table, not bothering to negotiate with the door to the bartending station just a few feet further from him. Upon seeing what Dmitri was interested in, Pascal too became curious.
Dmitri swept the multicolored shards of glass on the floor to the side with his leather brown shoes, revealing a small wooden trapdoor hidden in the saloon floor. A shiny bronze latch bolted to one side of the trapdoor served as a handle, sparkling and tempting Dmitri to open it.
But Dmitri was smart. Instead, he laid down on the ground, pressing his ear against the trapdoor, listening for what secrets it could hold.
"Anything?" Pascal asked. Dmitri didn't respond, instead making a hushing gesture and prompting Pascal to ready his rifle, a command which Pascal followed.
Slowly, Dmitri got up, into a crouching position. He rested his right hand's fingers on the bronze handle and counted down from three with his left hand.
Then, Dmitri threw open the trapdoor and Pascal aimed his rifle into the room, all in one fluid, synchronous motion. A very startled man from inside the trapdoor room looked back at the barrel of the rifle, with both hands up.
"Don't shoot! I'm human! I swear!" he said. Pascal continued to point his rifle at the man's head, unmoved.
"What're you doing here?" Dmitri demanded.
"I-I-I was looking for supplies when I heard a horde of zombies coming, so I hid myself in here and waited for them to leave. Honest, I'm not a bandit!"
"Awful fast denial that you're a bandit... Sounds like something a bandit would say," Pascal started as he pulled the hammer of his gun back.
"NO DON'T! I SWEAR!" The man was on his knees now, as if praying. He was in tears. Dmitri looked at him, unfazed.
"Alright, let him go. He's not a bandit," Dmitri stated, "Too whiny to be a bandit."
"Thank you, thank you so mu-" the man stood up but was interrupted by a shot by Pascal, aimed to the right of the man, completely missing him. Nevertheless, the sudden shot caught the man off guard and he jumped up and flailed his arms in the air, not knowing whether he should brace his body or cover his ears. Pascal laughed a hearty laugh and reloaded his rifle while Dmitri glared angrily at him. The man almost soiled himself.
"Is there anything down there, uh..." Dmitri inquired, suddenly realizing that he didn't know the man's name.
"Yeah, two potatoes, some carrots, and a few boxes of matches. I think it used to be the saloon's storage area, but they either left with the bulk of the food or raiders got to most of the good stuff. And my name's Theodore," the man finished as Pascal made his way down into the cellar and looked around. A glimmer from the far corner of the cellar caught Pascal's eye.
"That's not the only thing in here..." Pascal pointed to something in the corner of the room, hidden behind three wooden barrels.
It was a shotgun. Upon closer inspection, the barrels each had fifteen bundles of shotgun shells.
The three exited the saloon and stepped onto the sandy desert streets of the town. The sun was low in the sky, just barely hovering over the rocky horizon, coated in rock formations and plateaus. The twilight stars were just awakening from their half-day slumber and they danced in the indigo-orange sky, greeting the lonely abandoned town below them.
"Where's the other one?" Pascal observed.
"Other what?" Theodore asked.
Suddenly, a zombie burst out of a second story window of a building in front of the saloon. Theodore screamed and the other two readied their weapons as quickly as they could, but before they knew it, a shot went off and the zombie's head recoiled back from a bullet embedding itself deep into its brain.
The three looked around to see where the shot could have come from.
And from behind the corner of the saloon, a woman stepped out, revolver in hand. She quickly reloaded the shot she fired.
"Sorry, got bored, thought I'd explore for a bit. Glad I got here at the right time, huh?" she said, walking over to the group. Theodore was surprised at the sudden appearance of the girl.
"You left your place," Dmitri said sternly, "You were supposed to be lookout."
"Oh whatever," she teased, "Just count yourself lucky that I remembered to go back in time."
"If you had been in that spot the entire time, I wouldn't need luck," Dmitri retorted. Pascal gave an "oooo" at the speed and sternness of Dmitri. The girl smirked and stuck her tongue out. Theodore gave a chuckle at the girl's carefree nature.
Dmitri looked up at the sky. "We should get moving. There's nothing for us here and towns are dangerous places to be at night. We'll walk a bit north, then camp out behind the first boulder we see."
"Woah, hold up," Pascal began, "We're not bringing Toradora over here, are we?"
"It's Theodore," Theodore corrected.
"It's an extra mouth to feed, that's what it is," Pascal snapped back. The girl looked at Theodore.
"Oh, I didn't even notice you found another one. Hello there, I'm Elisabeth," the girl started, reaching her hand towards Theodore.
"Hello," he replied and shook her hand with a smile.
"We're bringing him," Dmitri ordered, "That's final.
Pascal sighed. "Fine, well if he's coming, he's gotta carry stuff," he said, and threw his backpack in his general direction, landing a few feet in front of Theodore. Theodore struggled to pick up the backpack full of potatoes, ammo, and metal plates, which brought out some laughter from Pascal. After two minutes of struggling with the backpack, Theodore finally managed to pick it up and carry it on his back. Weapons at hand, the four traveled north.
Dmitri and Pascal lay asleep beside a large boulder. They didn't use any mats or sleeping bags, they were long accustomed to sleeping on the shifting sand. Under the white moon spotlight and the twinkling stars, Theodore and Elisabeth sat, taking first shift on night watch, alone save for the gentle whisper of the cold desert wind and the distant howls of coyotes on the prowl.
"So how'd you end up in that saloon anyway?" Elisabeth turned to Theodore. The orange fire illuminated half of her face, leaving the other half shrouded in darkness.
"Long story."
"Long night," she said, sticking her tongue out. Theodore smiled.
"Alright. Well, I used to live in that town. Calico, they called it. I was the banker's son. Then, one day, a zombie horde comes along, terrorizes the town. I escaped, hid for a bit in the mountains to wait out the zombies. When I saw them leave two days ago, I came back to see what was left, but while I was at the saloon, I heard their moaning. Thought I was dead until I found the trapdoor, hid there until you guys came along and saved me."
"You stayed in a cellar for almost three days? How'd you not starve?"
"It was their food storage area, how could I not starve? I gorged myself on potatoes for two days straight."
"You stayed in a cellar for almost three days? How'd you not starve?"
"It was their food storage area, how could I not starve? I gorged myself on potatoes for two days straight."
"No wonder you could barely lift that backpack then, fatty."
"Hey!"
Elisabeth stuck her tongue out yet again. Theodore started to wonder why she did that so frequently, but he wasn't complaining. She looked back out at the desert flatland, looking out for raiders or zombies.
"So..." Theodore started, "How'd this group start anyway?"
"Us? Well, it's a pretty long story..." Theodore gave her a glare.
"No, don't worry, I'll tell it," she beamed as she began narrating.
"From what I've heard, it started with Dmitri. He was in San Francisco, with Patient Zero at the start of the first outbreak. Was one of the few people that made it out alive. He went south, through a few small towns. Somehow, the zombies had gotten there before he did, so every town he went to was already overrun. No survivors.
"At one town, though, he found Pascal, sitting by himself at the bar, with zombies all around him. Dmitri saved him and, after getting over his hangover, Pascal decides he wants in. So it's just the two of them for the most part.
"Meanwhile, I escape the horde that started in San Diego. I heard about a resistance up north, cleaning up San Francisco and making it a new city for survivors. I run into these guys, I tell them about it, and now here we are, headed back north, towards San Francisco," she finished.
"But San Francisco was the start of the infection," Theodore started, "I don't think they'd put the resistance in the most zombie-dense area."
"I heard that the zombies were clearing out. Too many zombies, not enough people, they're 'starving."
"They could starve?"
"Yeah, I didn't know they could either. But even if they don't, I'd still like to go to San Francisco anyway, just because maybe, just maybe, he'd still be alive." She looked up at the stars. Theodore was scared to ask his next question, fearing the response, but he asked anyway.
"Who might be still alive?"
"My boyfriend." Theodore's heart dropped.
"I haven't seen him since three years ago, when he left for a business trip for San Francisco, a few weeks before the outbreak. I don't know if he's still alive, and I haven't heard from him since, but I'm hoping that maybe, just maybe, he survived."
Theodore looked down at the ground. "Yeah. I hope so too."
Suddenly, a tap on his shoulder. Theodore turned around and saw Dmitri standing over him. Pascal did the same to Elisabeth, but with a slap to the face instead of a tap to the shoulder. She jumped in shock.
"Shift change. Get to bed," Dmitri ordered. And Theodore laid down on the cold, sandy Earth, on opposite sides of the campfire from Elisabeth.
"Hey!"
Elisabeth stuck her tongue out yet again. Theodore started to wonder why she did that so frequently, but he wasn't complaining. She looked back out at the desert flatland, looking out for raiders or zombies.
"So..." Theodore started, "How'd this group start anyway?"
"Us? Well, it's a pretty long story..." Theodore gave her a glare.
"No, don't worry, I'll tell it," she beamed as she began narrating.
"From what I've heard, it started with Dmitri. He was in San Francisco, with Patient Zero at the start of the first outbreak. Was one of the few people that made it out alive. He went south, through a few small towns. Somehow, the zombies had gotten there before he did, so every town he went to was already overrun. No survivors.
"At one town, though, he found Pascal, sitting by himself at the bar, with zombies all around him. Dmitri saved him and, after getting over his hangover, Pascal decides he wants in. So it's just the two of them for the most part.
"Meanwhile, I escape the horde that started in San Diego. I heard about a resistance up north, cleaning up San Francisco and making it a new city for survivors. I run into these guys, I tell them about it, and now here we are, headed back north, towards San Francisco," she finished.
"But San Francisco was the start of the infection," Theodore started, "I don't think they'd put the resistance in the most zombie-dense area."
"I heard that the zombies were clearing out. Too many zombies, not enough people, they're 'starving."
"They could starve?"
"Yeah, I didn't know they could either. But even if they don't, I'd still like to go to San Francisco anyway, just because maybe, just maybe, he'd still be alive." She looked up at the stars. Theodore was scared to ask his next question, fearing the response, but he asked anyway.
"Who might be still alive?"
"My boyfriend." Theodore's heart dropped.
"I haven't seen him since three years ago, when he left for a business trip for San Francisco, a few weeks before the outbreak. I don't know if he's still alive, and I haven't heard from him since, but I'm hoping that maybe, just maybe, he survived."
Theodore looked down at the ground. "Yeah. I hope so too."
Suddenly, a tap on his shoulder. Theodore turned around and saw Dmitri standing over him. Pascal did the same to Elisabeth, but with a slap to the face instead of a tap to the shoulder. She jumped in shock.
"Shift change. Get to bed," Dmitri ordered. And Theodore laid down on the cold, sandy Earth, on opposite sides of the campfire from Elisabeth.
"Don't Forget Me" (To the tune of "Remember You" from Adventure Time)
THEODORE:
Elisabeth
I wish that it was you and me in the wreckage of the earth
There’d be no reason to walk so far up north
And I know you'll never look at me like you look at him
You come along when I thought the whole world couldn’t be
more grim
This feeling keeps me alive
But, it's driving me crazy
To me you’re my everything
But in your eyes, I am nothing
Please don’t forget me whatever you do
And I’ll do the same for you
ELISABETH:
Adrian
I can hear you calling out my name
I know that we’ll be together soon, one day
Each night I dream that you are here with me
I’ll make that reality, I guarantee
(HARMONY, THEODORE SINGS FIRST CHORUS, ELISABETH SINGS THIS)
This feeling keeps me alive
But, it's driving me crazy
And, I know you’re out there
But do you know that I’m out here
Please don’t forget me whatever you do
And I’ll do the same for you
Please don’t forget me whatever you do
And I’ll do the same for you
And the two fell sound asleep.
Months of walking through endless expanse of sand and sun passed by. At last, the ruins of San Francisco were visible in the horizon. The sun was just coming up and the peaceful starlit sky slowly faded back into slumber.
"Hey... what's that?" Pascal pointed at a shambling figure in the distance. Elisabeth readied her revolver as Dmitri pulled out a small telescope to look at the figure. He briefly glanced at it before stating his observations.
"It's a zombie, take it out," Dmitri instructed.
"No problem," Pascal replied, aiming his rifle at the figure. But then, Dmitri took a closer look through the telescope. And his eyes widened.
"Wait, no!" But it was too late. Pascal had already pulled the trigger, hitting the zombie and sending it to the ground. Dmitri struck Pascal across the face with the telescope.
"Do you realize what you've done?!" Dmitri shouted.
"What the hell is your problem? Can't get over the fact that I've killed more zombies than you?" Pascal shot back, rubbing his left cheek. Dmitri shoved him aside, ignoring his less-than-serious remark. He sprinted to the fallen corpse and the other three quickly followed behind him.
"What, what's wrong?" Elisabeth asked as the four stood around the barely living zombie. Pascal had shot her right in the leg, forcing the pathetic zombie to resort to crawling, but her weak arms and the near-frictionless sand essentially rendered the pathetic creature immobile.
"Let's end it, right now!" Pascal cried, aiming his rifle at her head. Dmitri quickly swatted the rifle away from Pascal's hand.
"I'll do it. It's my obligation."
"Why, what makes her so special, Dmitri?! Why?!" Pascal was screaming now. Dmitri took a deep breath.
"She's my wife."
"Oh my god..."
"How'd she... how'd she turn?"
"San Francisco. Patient Zero and a huge horde attacked our house, broke through the wood like it was paper. I had no time to think, just pure instinct took over and before I knew it, I was running away from my house, running away from the horde, leaving my wife behind. Two days, I wait out the zombies, and when I come back, she was gone. Up until now, I thought she was dead, but now..." Dmitri looked down at the zombie with crystalline eyes.
"I'm sorry," Theodore said as Dmitri pointed the gun at the zombie's head.
"No. I'm sorry." Dmitri pulled the trigger and immediately, the zombie lay limp on the ground. He knelt next to his now deceased wife and took a deep breath.
"I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna kill Patient Zero," Dmitri promised.
The four entered the city. At its prime, San Francisco would have been bustling with the sound carriages and the footsteps of pedestrians, but today, San Francisco was deathly quiet.
Theodore looked around at the ruined city. It looked exactly the same as Calico, but on a much grander scale. Taller buildings, larger city, but still, the toll that the zombies have taken on the city is visible. Everywhere, shattered windows, disintegrating wood, abandoned carriages painted a mosaic of destruction throughout the city. But the worst part was the silence. Not even the wind wanted to disturb the horrific living corpses.
"Where's the resistance?" Pascal asked, looking suspiciously at Elisabeth.
"I'm... not sure, but they should be here..." Elisabeth looked up at the buildings, down the alleys, anywhere for a sign of human life. Pascal was getting impatient.
"Heeeeeere, resistance!" he sang, "Come out, come out wherever you are!"
"Shut it!" Dmitri said sternly, "You'll attract the zombies!"
"Does it even matter at this point?!" Pascal screamed toward Dmitri, "If there are survivors here, then they'll come running, but if there aren't, and the only things in this hellhole are zombies, then we'd be screwed anyway! We were screwed as soon as we came through the gate!"
"Shut up!" Dmitri demanded. And immediately, Dmitri fell silent. He heard something.
"Make me! You can't te-" Pascal retaliated, but Dmitri quickly hushed him.
In the distance, an undead moan. But this moan was different. It wasn't the typical, lifeless moan of a zombie. This one was bloodcurdling, with genuine pain and suffering woven into its sound waves, like a man being tortured an inch within death. The agonized cries of the zombie in the distance sent chills up everyone's spines, especially Dmitri's.
"That's it... that's the sound of Patient Zero," Dmitri said bleakly. Slowly the four walked towards the shouts and the screams, eventually coming to a long, empty street that seemed to stretch to infinity. And at the end of infinity stood Patient Zero.
"Piece of cake," Pascal said as he started to aim his rifle at the figure in the distance.
"Wait... hold on a second..." Elisabeth paused, taking a careful look at Patient Zero. She pulled out her own small telescope and gazed at the zombie shambling towards them.
And she gasped. It was Adrian.
But before she could warn the others, Pascal fired at Patient Zero, hitting him directly in the stomach. Patient Zero didn't fall back, however. Instead, he let out a banshee-like shriek and began sprinting towards the group, who had little to no time to react.
Dmitri managed to pull out a throwing knife and fling it at Patient Zero, but Patient Zero was unfazed. He charged at Dmitri and tackled him to the ground. Patient Zero was about to take a bite out of Dmitri's neck, but Pascal clubbed him with his rifle stock and Patient Zero fell to the side, releasing Dmitri, who quickly shuffled away. Patient Zero stood up and glared at Pascal, who had a rifle aimed right at his head.
Pascal pulled the trigger, but again, Patient Zero was unflinching. He sped towards Pascal, who tried to run away from him, but Patient Zero was too fast. In three, four seconds, he would catch up to Pascal and most certainly kill him.
A bang, and a bullet bore through layers of skin and flesh in Patient Zero's shoulder. He looked toward the source of the bullet...
And there sat Elisabeth, on the sandy floor, with a revolver pointed towards him. Angered, Patient Zero sprinted towards Elisabeth like an angered bull towards an immobile matador.
"Come on, Adrian, you have to remember!" Elisabeth screamed as she unloaded shot after shot after shot into the air, not wanting to kill him but not wanting to die herself. She was torn.
"Remember, remember, remember!" She yelled as she closed her eyes and braced for death.
A push. A scream. A bang. And silence fell over San Francisco once more.
Elisabeth opened her eyes. She looked around. Pascal was catching his breath against a wooden wall. Dmitri stood in awe of the scene he had just witnessed.
Elisabeth looked down. A small trail in the sand below her told her that she had been pushed to her right by something. She looked to her left and there was Patient Zero, his head half exposed. Something forceful had hit his face at point blank. She looked further left...
And there was Theodore, lying on the sandy ground surrounded by a pool of blood. His stomach was torn open and he took sharp, jagged breaths.
Elisabeth quickly crawled towards the dying Theodore and lifted his upper body from the ground with one arm.
"What happened?!" Elisabeth asked. Pascal and Dmitri quickly surrounded Theodore.
"I... I pu... pushed you... killed... zero..." He was losing breath. Elisabeth looked towards the now dead Patient Zero, then looked back at Theodore with wet eyes. A tear managed to escape and began to run down her cheek before being swept up by Theodore's shaking hand.
Theodore took a sharp inhale. He was in a lot of pain.
"You're going to be alright, don't worry," she lied a blatant lie as the tears ran down her face. Theodore knew he didn't have much time left.
"I'm so... sor..." And he fell sound asleep. Elisabeth closed his dead eyelids and, to prevent zombification, shot him in the head. Then, she slowly made her way towards Adrian. She stood, observing the corpse of her boyfriend, the boyfriend she'd promised to live through the zombie apocalypse with. And she cried.
"Don't Forget Me (Reprise)" (To the tune of "Remember You" from Adventure Time)
ELISABETH:
Adrian
I could hear you calling out my name
I though that we’ll be together soon, one day
Only in my dreams can you stay down here with me
It'll never be real, that now I see
This feeling kept me alive
Now it's driving me crazy
I don't know if you’re up there
But if somehow, you're out there
Please don’t forget me whatever you do
And I’ll do the same for you
Please don’t forget me whatever you do
And I’ll do the same for you
Author's Note: Woo! First genre fusion, hope you guys liked it. I kind of cheated on this one since I didn't really randomly pick genres off Wikipedia. Instead, I got it off a car commercial, can't remember which one, but as soon as I heard the words "Zombie Western Musical" from it, the idea ran and now, here we are.
Sorry, I'm not exactly accurate with the slang and diction used in the Old West, so I opted for just normal speech instead. Shouldn't be too much of a problem, but in case you guys noticed.
Also, yeah, I know, I used Adventure Time tunes as the music. Why? Because I like the show and the songs are really short, so they're pretty easy to change up. I'd have composed my own music to accompany, but I'm awful at it. The lyrics I wrote are pretty bad too, I know. If you're a songwriter out there that happens to be reading this blog, you should comment below on how you'd change the lyrics or even the tune.
And boy, were writing lyrics hard. I would've finished the entire story on Sunday had it not been for the songs. They take FOREVER for me. Few things learned from this first genre fusion. One: I've got to manage my time way better, I feel like I spent too much time trying (and failing) to write good lyrics that I neglected a lot of important story. Also, writing musicals is hard. Very hard.
And boy, were writing lyrics hard. I would've finished the entire story on Sunday had it not been for the songs. They take FOREVER for me. Few things learned from this first genre fusion. One: I've got to manage my time way better, I feel like I spent too much time trying (and failing) to write good lyrics that I neglected a lot of important story. Also, writing musicals is hard. Very hard.
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